Syesha Mercado, girl it doesn’t matter how well you sang Alicia Key’s hit song, “If I Ain’t Got You,” you’re goin’ home honey!

David Cook, it doesn’t matter how well you kicked ass on a song judge Simon Cowell picked out for you, you’re goin’ home rocker dude!

David Archuleta, it doesn’t matter that you have a psycho stage dad and that you butchered the hell out of a Chris Brown song (Hey Kid, a little advice, stay away from R&B hits and stick to those gooey love ballads that you do oh so well!), you’re goin’ home youngin’!

However, your not going home empty-handed like Syesha Mercado and David Cook, you’ll be going home with the title of American Idol.

(Loud-ass snicker!) As if everybody who watches American Idol didn’t already know that!

For those of you out there who don’t watch Fox’s hit reality tv show, “American Idol” and could care less who wins, well i’m going to ruin your day and tell you anyway because that’s the kind of evil bitch that I am!

(Evil laugh!) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

The winner of this year’s American Idol will be David Archuleta.

In the most “predictable” moment of television since CBS renewed the 1970’s/1980’s hit night-time soap opera, “Dallas” after the “Who Shot J.R.” episode, on Wednesday, May 21st, virtual shoe-in/projected winner from the day that he sang his first song on American Idol, David Archuleta will be crowned the 7th winner of American Idol for the oh so obvious reasons below.

-He’s 17 years old which basically means he has the teeny bopper-youth-zit vote locked up!

-He’s 17 years old which basically means he has the parental-”diaper wearing” grandparent’s vote locked up!

-He’s Hispanic which basically means he has the largest minority group in America locked up!

-He’s a decent-looking kid which basically means he has the ugly people vote locked up!

-He has a very “sunny delight” positive attitude which basically means he has the Regis & Kelly and orange juice lover vote locked up!

And last but not least................

He’s the most talented contestant on Season 7 of American Idol which basically means that this kid has an outstanding voice and can sing his little ass off!

So congratulations, David Archuleta on winning Season 7 of American Idol!

You really deserve it!

(Loud-ass snicker!) As if you already didn’t know that you were going to win it, dude!