Recently I read an old article that got me thinking.

Back in 2004 after 43 years together, Barbie and Ken — as in the dolls or the perfect plastic couple—shocked the world by announcing their breakup.

P.S. This breakup was just as big and as lurid as Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s breakup.

I mean come on people let’s face it, if Barbie and Ken can’t stay together is there hope for the rest of us?

I mean who’s next?

The census bureau has widely reported that 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce with the major reason cited as being adultery.

P.S. At this time I would like to send a shout out to the queen of adultery, Miss Angelina Jolie.

During Barbie and Ken’s breakup, various rumors swirled of the reason why the beautiful couple split with the majority blaming the split on Ken’s dalliances with other men.

I mean who’s next?

Perhaps Santa and his missus?

This got me thinkin’ and writin’.

You know if Santa and his missus were to split, I think I know the reason why.

Keep reading.

Below is a fun little holiday piece that I wrote on this hot-button issue.

And it goes a little something like this..........................

“Happy New Year, Children!”

“This is Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus’ soon to be ex-wife.”

“I know that you usually hear a special New Year’s message from Santa but unfortunately Santa Claus is currently unavailable because he got arrested for having phone sex with some skank named Molly last night.”

“So, he very well couldn’t send his special New Year’s message to you from the slammer now could he?”

“So I, the soon to be ex-Mrs. Claus graciously told Santa that I would deliver a special New Year’s message for him this year.”

“Children, my New Year’s message for you is short and simple, “DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE *ITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH!”

“To demonstrate my meaning, i’m going to read you an article that appeared in today’s paper that your parents probably hid from you.”

January 1, 2009
SANTA CLAUS BUSTED WHILE HAVING PHONE SEX AT CHEZ SKANK!

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–Usually for jolly ol’ Saint Nick, New Year’s Day is one of his favorite days off of work. It is a day where he can rest and relax after a hectic Christmas season. But not this year!

At a press conference this morning, police confirmed that Santa Claus a.k.a. Kris Kringle was arrested at 2:03 a.m. on New Years Day at Chez Skank Restaurant. He was formally charged with two crimes. Santa was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct and simulating a lewd act in a public place.

“Apparently after eating 81 hot cross buns and downing 94 hot buttered rum shots, Santa was feeling a little “hot” himself and wanted to get his “buns buttered”, if ya’ know what I mean!” Officer Ted Butts said in a low-down dirty voice while winking at the snickering reporters who knew exactly what the flatfoot meant.

Officer Butts said that since Santa was in a festive mood he decided to take advantage of one of the kick-backs that he received from Chez Skank. In return for Santa coming to the upscale restaurant a couple of times a year, he was given free meals, drinks and phone sex. Santa decided on the latter since his big ass was already full from the 81 hot cross buns he wolfed down and he was so damn tired of pissing up a storm from the 94 hot buttered rum shots that he had guzzled down earlier that engaging in phone sex seemed like the next logical choice. So phone sex it was!

At a little after 1:00 a.m. on New Years Day, Santa whipped out his big pink phallus-shaped cellphone from his pants and let his fingers do the walking. A few seconds later, Santa was connected to Molly, a phone sex operator for the Politically Correct Happy Holidays Adult Hotline. Patrons and staff of the upscale restaurant were both shocked and amused when they heard Santa moaning loudly and uttering the following:

“Do you want me baby?”
“Tell me how bad you want me baby?”
“Tell me all of your dirty little thoughts!”
“Are you a bad girl, Molly?”
“Do you want me to be naughty or nice?”
“Oh yes, do you know how much you are turning me on?”
“Tis’ the season to be spanked by Molly. Fa, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La!”
“Mmmm baby, you know what I was thinking about doing to you?”

Various witnesses reported that Santa put his cellphone down on the table and switched on the speaker phone. Next, Santa picked up a long thin breadstick from the bread basket that was sitting on the table then put three pats of butter on it and then started to rub it up and down.

“Molly baby, I want to rub your body from head to toe with some hot butter. Would you like that baby?” Santa cooed.
“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!” Molly screamed. “Tell me more! Tell me more, big daddy!” Santa chucked. And it wasn’t one of those “jolly” chuckles either. It was a low-down nasty dirty chuckle. Next, Santa started to lick the breadstick all over.
“Molly, I want to slowly lick some hot butter off of your body. Can I do that baby?” Santa asked. “Yes, yes, do it! Do it, big daddy and don’t you ever stop licking hot butter off of my body ever! You’re the king! You are the king! Do it, I want more! Oh yes, I want more! Oh yes!”

“Sarah Petersen, Chez Skank’s maitre d’ had finally had enough.” Officer Butts said. “But let me clarify. Sarah hadn’t had enough of hearing Santa have phone sex.” According to Sarah, “she could have listened to that all night!”

“What Sarah had had enough of was all the patrons demanding to be seated next to Santa the next time he came into Chez Skank. When she had to turn down a few of the patrons because all of the seats next to Santa were taken, Sarah was threatened with guns and knives if she didn’t make seating available. That was when Miss Petersen called the police.” Officer Butts said.

Santa is currently being held at Fruitcake Hall, a luxury prison in Beverly Hills, until his arraignment on January 4th.

Chez Skank, which is an upscale restaurant in Beverly Hills world-famous for it’s murals on the walls of the top skanks in Hollywood, plans to commemorate Santa’s bust by putting a mural of him up on the wall in February 2009.

Current mural honorees are Paris & Nicky Hilton, Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Tara Reid, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and any other chick in Hollywood who claims that they didn’t know that you could see their breasts and vaginas through the sheer gowns that they were wearing to the Oscars, Grammys, Emmys and Tonys.

“So, children to recap, my New Year’s message to you for the year 2009 is ‘DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE *ITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH’!”

“Goodbye children, have a happy and safe new year and don’t screw it up like jolly ol’ St. Nick!”

P.S. I hope that this holiday piece made you laugh and think about the uncomfortable subject of adultery for just a minute.

And I hope that everyone has a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!