It’s not like you’ve ever heard of Miss Iowa or Miss Idaho taking the crown in a beauty pageant. Well, at least not since the 1950’s, but I digress.

It’s always states like New York, California or Texas who wins.

Speaking of the devil, Miss Texas took home the crown at the Miss USA pageant this year. Surprise, surprise!

Personally, i’m so sick of the monopoly that the above states have on some of these beauty pageants. Do I smell a little payola going on?

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to legendary rock n’ roll disc jockey, Alan Freed! (Thank you white brother! Rock n’ Roll totally rules! I love ya’!)

I mean, New York, California and Texas need to step back and give other states a chance too no matter how ugly or untalented that their representatives may be.

Every state deserves a fair shot.

While we’re on the subject of beauty pageants. Did anybody reading this article actually watch this year’s Miss USA pageant?

If you didn’t let me sum it up for you in one word, L-A-M-E!

Below is a recap of all the “lame” lowpoints:

-This year’s Miss USA pageant was hosted by “she’s a little bit country and he’s a little bit rock n’ roll” (Loud-ass snicker!) irritating mormon siblings, Donny and Marie Osmond. (Why can’t these two stay back in the 1970’s where they belong!)

-This year’s Miss USA pageant was definitely “butch” meaning that alot of the chicks looked like drag queens, i.e. Miss Massachusetts, Jackie Bruno. (Bruno is definitely the right name in this chick’s case!)

-Judging this year’s Miss USA pageant was Heather “Gold-Digger” Mills, Rob Schneider of the godawful Deuce Bigalow movies and former New Kid on the Block, Joey Fatone. (Loud-ass Snicker!)

-The reigning Miss USA Rachel Smith proudly announced that she’s “Hittin’ Hollywood because they’ve been a’ callin’! (If I were Hollywood, I would lock my doors and turn off my cell phones.)

-The Miss USA pageant itself was sooo politically correct, i.e. the girls all wore faux fur making the night faux boring!

-Finger Eleven performed their hit song, “Paralyzer” while contestants paraded around half-naked in bathing suits. (Hey Finger Eleven, you wouldn’t catch Led Zeppelin playing their music at a Miss USA pageant. Omigod! Sacrilege!)

-Miss Florida informed the public that she spoke fluent Polish (Loud-ass yawn!) which as everyone knows will get you far in life.

Enough with the lame lowpoints.

Surprisingly enough the show did have one highpoint.

The people at Miss USA weren’t playing around, they started kicking off chicks left and right within the first ten minutes! Yeah!

But what this pageant really lacked was a dose of reality.

For example, although I feel a little sorry for the girls who didn’t make the Top 10, it would have been so nice to see these chicks do something jacked up like refuse to perform or get really pissed off and bitch-slap a Top 10 finalist. I mean really what could Donald Trump, the owner of the Miss USA pageant do other than bad mouth you, Rosie O’Donnell style.

Which is nothing!

These beauty pageant chicks could take it!